BEN: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by RoseOwl
Summary: NAMASTE! You are now the proud owner of a BEN unit. In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don’t want to be involved in a second PURGE do you?


**The DHARMA Initiative**

**Presents**

**BEN: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual **

**NAMASTE** ! You are now the proud owner of a BEN unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to be involved in a second PURGE do you?

You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business possibly leading to constructing a time machine over a frozen ancient donkey wheel and getting high on the special properties of the Island.

Your BEN unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).

* * *

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS **

**Full Name** : Benjamin Linus

**AKA** : Henry, Benry, Bug Eyed Bastard, Mr. Linus, Boy, Lord Megatron (??), etc.

**Porn Name** : The Master

**Manufacturer** : DHARMA Initiative, Inc.

**Date of Production** : Classified.

**Age** : Only Jacob knows.

**Height** : Tall enough to kick ass, short enough to, uh, well, kick more ass!

**Weight** : Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.

* * *

**ACCESSORIES **

Your BEN unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:

One STANDARD OTHERS/HOSTILE WARDROBE (dirty drawers, fake beards, suburban casual wear, etc.)

One PAIR OF READING GLASSES

One DIARY

One TELESCOPIC BATON (also functions as an adult toy)

One WOODEN HAND CARVED DOLL (not an adult toy)

Two NUMBERED BUNNIES (do not eat)

One WALKIE TALKIE

One BLACK SMOKE MONSTER (caution: level of control varies. may rip out guts if provoked)

One DHARMA PARKA

One SET OF COOKING UTENSILS

Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.

* * *

**ACTIVATION **

Your BEN unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your BEN unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He may use his lethal weapon on you. No not the one on him. Minds out of the gutter!

The BEN unit has two METHODS of ACTIVATION. Please choose only one:

**METHOD ONE:**

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Lay your unconscious unit flat on the floor.

(3). Sit down near his feet and wait three to five minutes. Do no sit on top of BEN unit or attempt to tickle his feet! BEN unit may kill you for that. Seriously!

(4). Your unit will gradually awaken and take in his surroundings. Then he will stare at you. Now this will be creepy especially with those horrible eyes of his!

(5). Your unit will get up and possibly evaluate the rest of your house while ignoring you. Do not make any attempts to leave your spot! Wait till the unit returns.

(6) After at least fifteen to twenty minutes, your unit will return and say "Hello, my name is Benjamin Linus. I was born in this neighborhood and lived here all my life."

(7) Yes, the unit is a lying bastard. But do not question him at this point! Acknowledge with your own greeting and activation will be complete.

**METHOD TWO:**

(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).

(2). Place him in a chair and tie him up his hands and feet.

(3). Slap your unit two to three times and yell at him: "Who are you really?! You are not "fill in the blank random person's name"! You're one of them!"

(4). The BEN unit will automatically awake and claim to be with strong resolution whatever random name you chose.

(5) After a few hours of stern interrogation and torture (tickling, spanking) your unit will send you on some silly quest to prove his "identity." Just step outside for five minutes and have a smoke or something then go back inside.

(6) The BEN unit will then admit subtly to being one of them and state that he has come for you because you are SPECIAL. Provide skepticism but trust and activation should be complete.

Upon successful activation, your BEN unit will be compelled to lie and manipulate you into various activities. We know this may seem horribly deceitful and rude but remember: Your unit is doing it with the best intentions and is one of the good guys!

As the former leader of the mysterious OTHERS, your BEN unit is quite skilled and efficient. There will be no lie too great and no plan more genius than what your BEN unit will create.

* * *

**MODES OF OPERATION **

**DEFAULT**

**MANIPULATER** : After 24 hours in your residence, your BEN unit will have gathered all the intelligence on you to use at his discretion to get whatever he wants and whatever he needs. He will have gathered the information needed for him to EXPLOIT and MANIPULATE you. There is no way to prevent this intrusion on your privacy. You may put out some false information but an afternoon spent with a family member such as your mother (shut up, mom!) and he'll have your most embarrassing moments catalogued for emergency backup. Don't waste time being outraged or pulling JACKFACES. Calm down! So, he's making LISTS and finding out about your extramarital affairs. It could be worse. Freaking out will not change what he knows. You need to pay attention and learn to listen carefully to your BEN unit instead. You have to learn to dig through his bullshit and find the kernels of TRUTH in it. There is a method and goal to his manipulation. Learn to anticipate his needs and understand his goals so you won't find yourself shooting your closet friends.

**LEADER** : Your BEN unit is to put it mildly: kind of a control freak. He likes to stay two, _okay_ , ten steps ahead of the pack. He is happy to lead people in sheep like fashion. And does not like to be questioned by his sheep either. His is a GOOD leader when calm and rational. Sometimes bad emotional responses may conflict with sound command decisions though. In addition, his methods may be brutal and unforgiving at times. He will also not hesitate to SACRIFICE a member of the herd for the greater good. You do not want to be that sacrificial lamb. That's equivalent to being a REDSHIRT. And we all know what happens to all redshirts eventually. You should position yourself as a capable ally of your unit. Prove to be trustworthy (even when your unit is not) and provide advice when asked.

**FATHER** : You have read correctly, owner. As the saying, "father knows best" goes, your BEN unit believes he ALWAYS knows best. He is quite the devoted father as he takes many pictures and videos of your proudest moments and embarrassing ones also. Vacations and birthday parties are no problem for your BEN unit and will be spectacular. Unfortunately, he will also assign strict curfews, inflict corporal punishment, manipulate the death of your potential love interests, and make you eat lots of asparagus. Yes, teeny boppers he would even indirectly kill ZAC EFRON should he in some alternate universe ask you out.

ATTENTION! If you wish to prohibit this default mode then you need activate the LOVER mode or get the prohibition code from our website.

**ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS**

**LOVER** : This mode is perhaps more aptly titled as possessor. Your BEN unit is similar to the mythical dragon and it's treasure hoard. You are most definitely HIS to covet and not anyone else's treasure. You do not really need to do much to activate this mode. The BEN unit will initiate LOVER mode most accordingly with the usual displays of romantic intent. His courtship will involve showering you with attention and nice gifts, stalking you and generally invading your personal space with every opportunity. If you are looking for lots of steamy sex then you'll be sorely disappointed. BEN unit likes to have PLANNED sessions of intercourse. And not more than twice a week. If this is not to your liking invest in a SAYID or SAWYER unit. Now, if your BEN unit does have intercourse with you more than twice a week than that it is probably a method of manipulation on his part.

Be CAREFUL! If you engage this mode and become Ben's PRECIOUS you must be prepared for the troubles that may come with it. For example, there will be no ex-girlfriends/boyfriend pictures out in the living room for "sentimental" reasons. If you foolishly commit adultery do not be surprised to find your lover dead in a matter of weeks if you continue to pursue the relationship.

**FIGHTER** : Do not be fooled by his calculating suburban mask of cocktail parties and book reading. Your BEN unit poses just as much a physical threat as well as mental threat. Burglar in the home? Little sister "borrowing" your things again? Not to worry. Simply hand him his telescopic baton weapon in a dire situation, sit back with a beer and watch him kick ass.

**COOK** : He slices and he dices! The BEN unit will whip up the most scrumptious home cooked meals that you may never return to fast food. He is also quite the connoisseur of good wine. Just be careful that you don't end up a contestant on the BIGGEST LOSER with this mode.

**PIANIST** : If you happen to own a working piano, you'll be pleased to know that you won't have to pay any money for a piano teacher in the future. Your BEN unit will most adequately teach you the basics and get you playing the classics in a matter of weeks. He makes great entertainment for your parties also. Just be careful not let him consume any alcohol during party time as that leads to a nude unit doing headstands.

**BOOK CLUB MEMBER** : While not as voracious a reader as the SAWYER unit, your unit does appreciate a good read every now and then. Sign him up for a book club by mail so he can receive the hottest bestsellers every month. Or you can start a book club in your home. Of course, BEN unit must approve the book selection for every club meeting.

**SLASH** : See FAQ for info.

**SPECIAL**

**INDIANA JONES** : Thanks to his unique position as the chosen leader of the OTHERS, the BEN unit is highly skilled in all manner of arts. Some INDY fans took advantage of these skills when they hacked (illegally) into our programs. Thus, if you provide your BEN unit with a dusty fedora and whip, he'll become the famous adventuring archaeologist himself!

BEWARE! If any holy relics are brought home by your BEN unit there is a high possibility of serious ramifications from curses on these objects. The DHARMA INITIATIVE is not responsible for any plagues, skeletal remains or walking undead these relics may yield.

* * *

**CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE **

Your BEN unit requires extra effort to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:

(1). Daily Involved Grooming. It is not enough for your BEN unit to take a bath or hot shower. He will require his nails clipped and polished, nose hairs trimmed, facial cream applied, etc. Yes, he is very metrosexual. You will need to refer to the GROOMING GUIDE included for more details.

(2) Food. Your BEN unit will cook for himself. However, he will also expect you to assist in making meals. Helping to make bread or dessert will please him. We suggest you dust off your cookbook.

(3). Hair Care. Lots of gel. Expensive shampoo and conditioner. See GROOMING GUIDE for more detail.

(4). Exercise. Your BEN unit enjoys long walks around the block and that's basically it. No need for gym memberships or exercise equipment.

(5). Sex. Only if Jacob allows it.

* * *

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS **

**Q** : I just wanted to say how much I love my BEN unit. I also love how much interest he shows in chemistry which is my favorite subject! Does the Ben unit harbor dreams of being a scientist?

**A** : Whoa. You are in mortal danger, brotha! Did you piss off your unit recently or something? There is no SCIENTIST mode on your unit. Your BEN unit is fixing to PURGE you and family. Not the bulimic way but the lethal gas way! Unfortunately, there is no deterring him from this bloody path. Invest in gas masks, pronto!

**Q** : Can BEN unit sky dive?

**A** : Duh. Of course, he can. BEN unit can do anything with a good lie and plan. _Except_ , save his daughter from a bloodthirsty mercenary. And kill Chuck Norris (who is actually SAYID unit).

**Q** : I need help! A MIKHAIL unit keeps following my BEN unit all the time. I've tried to stop it over and over! Electric shocks, fireballs, lethal injections! Gosh, _nothing_ works. Got any suggestions?

**A** : Damn, you are a _sadist_ . How many deaths have you subjected that poor MIKHAIL unit through? Simply have your BEN unit order him to hole up somewhere faraway to prove his loyalty. Geez.

Q: I want to have kids with my BEN unit. Is that possible?

**A** : I'm sorry but no. The BEN unit is not able to procreate. Don't be too depressed. I'm sure your BEN unit could come up with a plan to kidnap someone else's kids.

**Q** : I think I messed up my activation. The only name my unit will respond to is Benry. I've tried but I can't fix it!

**A** : _Ugh_ . That horrible nickname! We feel your pain. But there is a quick and easy way to fix it. Inform your unit that the name _Benry_ is an abomination to Jacob. He will instantly only respond to Ben.

**Q** : So I was walking the BLACK SMOKE MONSTER when I accidentally inhaled some of it's smoke. Is that gonna hurt me?

**A** : How did you _accidentally_ inhale? Were you sniffing its butt or something? I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you will be affected. Every time you now cough there will be a hideous roar from your lips and you will shake any trees in the area. Alert friends, family and neighbors to your condition. Or else they may mistake you for Cloverfield or something.

**Q** : So BEN unit does have a slash mode, right? Who can I slash BEN unit with to activate it?

**A** : ANNIE. Yes, you read right. We have revealed the GREAT SECRET to you. Annie is a dude.

**Q** : NO WAY! Annie is not a guy! She is "fill in the blank with any woman that has appeared on LOST" of course!

**A** : I am sure you believe that Annie is "fill in the blank with any woman that has appeared on LOST." But, you are wrong. A person has to take extreme measures to escape the possessive clutches of BEN.

* * *

**ADDITIONAL INFO **

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:

DHARMA INITIATIVE

PO BOX 4815

NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342

* * *

**Author's Note **

Well, it's been awhile since my last guide, lol. I wasn't in the mood to write for awhile. Thankfully, the Writing Fairy came and hit me over the head. :-P

Anyways, I did a poll last time for which character to do a guide for next and Ben won. I hope the Ben fans are pleased with this guide. I try and do my best with every one. If it falls flat, please criticize me gently.

So I'm gonna work on a Desmond guide next. I need to vent my frustration that Henry Ian Cusick was not nominated for an Emmy and this will do the trick.

As always your reviews are greatly appreciated!

**Disclaimer** : I did not come up with the owner guide/manual idea. I believe that credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, who's idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own LOST.


End file.
